That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
