I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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