cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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