youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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