Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
