I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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