took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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