I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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