Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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