I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
