at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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