you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
