It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
