And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
