I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
