we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i dont even know how to be here
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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