please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
