So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
