Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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