I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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