last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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