Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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