I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
