I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
