she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
