she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
