You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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