She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
