Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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