Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
