A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
