Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
