My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
