I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
