I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
