Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Randomize
