I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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