If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
