I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
