not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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