I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
