its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
