I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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