I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
