I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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