She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
