When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
