I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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