I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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