Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
3pm strippers are depressing
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Still dying that you shit outside
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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