maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
